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DCI Completes Brave Transformation Into Stunning WGI

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – After years of speculation and persistent rumors, Drum Corps International confirmed over the weekend that is has undergone a brave, stunning transformation into a strong and beautiful WGI. Casting off the shackles of traditional, identifiable uniforms, DCI announced Monday morning that it will live out the rest of its days …

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Drum Staff Congratulates Themselves On Terrible Season

RALEIGH, NC – In what experts are regarding as a complete and total lack of self awareness, percussion staff of Firestorm Indoor Percussion congratulated themselves Sunday night after a truly terrible indoor season. Cracking open celebratory beers, the clueless group unanimously agreed there was absolutely nothing they would have done …

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Lot Riot Clearance Sale Incites Actual Riot

DAYTON, OH – Chaos broke out inside the merchandise tent at WGI Percussion World Championships Saturday night as drumline apparel makers Lot Riot posted a “Clearance: All Items Must Go” sign. Witnesses say Lot Riot was attempting to get rid of inventory when a mob of enraged prepubescents rushed the …

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Ike Jackson Charged Baggage Fee For Massive Balls

DAYTON, OH – It is reported that following WGI World Championships in Dayton, Ohio, Ayala High School Percussion Director Ike Jackson has been forced to pay oversized baggage fees to Legend Airlines due to the size of his massive balls. Eye-witnesses at Dayton International Airport say that Jackson engaged in …

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Satan Offended By 9th Graders Portrayal

HELL – According to representatives of the Underworld, Satan, Prince of Darkness and Eater of Souls, was offended by a 9th Grade Scholastic A Performers portrayal of him at WGI Percussion World Championships. Timothy Perkins, 14, played the King of Supreme Evil in St. Thomas Catholic School’s show titled “The …

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