SAINT PAUL, MN – Sources inside the Forest Hill Marching Band confirmed Thursday Melissa Peters, front ensemble section leader, has called dibs on the good marimba. The Marching Trojans front ensemble reportedly features a wide cornucopia of instruments of varying playable condition from “the Yamaha vibe with the pedal that keeps falling” to “the Musser with the janky wheels.”
Peters reportedly claimed the 4.3 Adams Marching Marimba on the first day of percussion camp following an incident with upcoming ninth grader Evan Norred who was allegedly admiring the only piece of useable equipment.
“If you want this you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands,” Peters was heard saying to a horrified Norred. “I’ve waited three long years for this and you’re not just going to walk in here and take it from me. I will **** you up. Do you understand me? I will **** you up.”
When asked for comment, members of the ensemble say Peters has named the marimba “Bertha” and was allegedly placing an assortment of bandaids, paracord, scissors and lighters in the back zipper pocket of her mallet bag.