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Lot Riot Clearance Sale Incites Actual Riot

DAYTON, OH – Chaos broke out inside the merchandise tent at WGI Percussion World Championships Saturday night as drumline apparel makers Lot Riot posted a “Clearance: All Items Must Go” sign. Witnesses say Lot Riot was attempting to get rid of inventory when a mob of enraged prepubescents rushed the booth.

Sources say matters took a turn for the worse when Madeline Sharp, 14, began strangling Lot Riot employee Jason Schladweiler with nylon marimba string. “I’ve never felt more alive!” Sharp was heard screaming over the roar of the flames.

“So much blood,” mumbled half conscious Derek Owens, 15, clutching his 100% Cotton Classic Pullover while being loaded into an ambulance.

University of Dayton Police arrived shortly after the incident broke out to find other vendors joining in the uprising. Witnesses at the scene report seeing a Lonestar representative hurling a molotov cocktail into the pile of smoke and carnage.

A representative for WGI was not available for comment.

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